Why Some Mothers Struggle to Nurture While Others Blossom with Grace: The Duality of Motherhood
- Zara Kolasinska
- Mar 30
- 5 min read
Blog by Zara Kolasinska
As Mother's Day approaches, I am reminded of the complex and often dual nature of motherhood. It’s a day filled with a celebration of love, sacrifice, and nurturing, but it can also stir up a lot of emotions for those whose relationship with their mother has been painful or challenging.
Personal Reflection on Mother’s Day
Last year, as I prepared for Mother's Day, I found myself deeply immersed in the emotions surrounding the 10-year anniversary of our daughter Ginger's passing. I had grand ideas of marking the occasion with an art exhibition or a painting workshop to honour her memory, but as the day passed, I couldn't shake the feeling of disappointment in myself. My plans were swept away by circumstances, and I struggled to reconcile the grief of loss with the expectations I had placed on myself as a mother. A year later, I find myself once again exploring the depths of motherhood, reflecting on its complexities and contradictions. This journey is not about glorifying or criticising; it’s a candid attempt to give voice to the countless experiences of mothers and children alike. It’s just as important to honour and acknowledge those whose experiences with their mothers don’t fit the “ideal” narrative.
The Complexities of Motherhood
When we talk about motherhood, we often find ourselves walking a tightrope between myth and reality. Society loves to portray mothers as angelic figures with an endless capacity for love and patience. Yet, for many, the reality is far from the fairy tale.
How often do we hear the phrase, "You only get one mother"? This sentiment, while meant to evoke gratitude, can feel like a heavy burden for those whose experiences with their mothers have been anything but nurturing.
Motherhood, in its truest sense, is a dual reality. It is both liberating and brutal. It is both tender and harsh. For some women, motherhood is a calling they embrace with joy and ease, while for others, it is a battle—a battlefield where emotional scars run deep.
But beyond the idealised image of motherhood, there exists a reality that is often unseen—a reality shaped by struggle, trauma, and unmet expectations. Why do some mothers' struggle to nurture, while others blossom with pride and grace?
For me, motherhood has been a whirlwind of overwhelming love tempered with intense challenges. It has called me to explore the very essence of who I am and what I am capable of.
The Unseen Struggles
As a mother who has faced both joy and loss, I feel deeply for those whose mothers have failed to provide the nurturing they longed for. There are addicted mothers, rejected mothers, vacant mothers, and depressed mothers—each carrying their own pain and complexities. There are mothers who cannot give their children the love they need because they themselves were never taught how to love, let alone nurture.
There are also the mothers who have passed too soon, leaving a void that cannot be filled. And there are those who are still here but emotionally absent, unable to provide the care their children so desperately need.
For the sons and daughters of such mothers, Mother’s Day can be a painful reminder of what was never given—a reminder of what is lost or lacking. Yet, even in this pain, there is space for reflection, healing, and understanding.
The Journey Through Motherhood and Daughterhood
In my own journey, I’ve learned that being both a mother and a daughter offers profound insights into the nature of motherhood itself. As a daughter, I have witnessed the imperfections in my relationship with my own mother, but I have also seen the beauty in our connection. I’ve come to understand that motherhood is not about perfection but about presence. It’s about the willingness to show up, to love, and to grow, even when we fall short of our own ideals.
I believe it is rare for a mother to intentionally hurt her child, but it’s not uncommon for mothers to wound their children unknowingly. Our own wounds, passed down through generations, shape the way we mother. I often wonder if the love we give is always returned in equal measure. But then again, the very act of mothering is a gift that doesn’t always seek reciprocation.
Acknowledging the Pain and Healing
For those who have suffered in their relationship with their mother, Mother’s Day can be an unbearable reminder of the absence of nurturing. For those who have been left with emotional scars, whether from neglect, rejection, or abuse, this day can be a source of deep sorrow.
But even in the pain, there is healing. Motherhood is a place where growth happens—not only for the children we nurture but for ourselves. When we embrace the difficult parts of being a mother or being mothered, we open ourselves to the possibility of growth, compassion, and understanding. And in that space, we find resilience.
The Dual Nature of Motherhood
As I reflect on motherhood, I am reminded of the goddess Kali, the Hindu goddess of time, destruction, and transformation. She embodies both destruction and creation, the ultimate expression of the paradox that is motherhood—both nurturing and fierce, tender and ruthless.
Like Kali, we are called to give of ourselves in ways that can feel like sacrifice, but in doing so, we also create new life. We are challenged to embrace the fullness of motherhood, with all its contradictions and complexities.
A Poem for All Mothers by Zara Kolasinska
Mother, I gift you with a bloom of my love,
In exchange for nothing other than us.
I summoned you in dreams and sank in your arms,
Kneeling beneath you in admiration of our union.
Your eyes look past the body I reside,
Into the window of my soul we connect like a mystical scripture lost in translation.
Have I known you in lives before now?
Somehow my cells rejoice in recognition of you, lost and now found.
A Message of Empathy and Understanding
Today on Mother’s Day, I want to honour the mothers who have loved, struggled, and endured. I also want to acknowledge the children who have suffered, whether physically or emotionally, from the absence or neglect of their mothers.
For those who long for a love they never received, I see you. For those who feel conflicted or confused by their relationship with their mothers, I understand.
It is my hope that through this reflection, we can all find space for compassion—for ourselves, for our mothers, and for one another.
Motherhood is a journey filled with both light and shadow. As we acknowledge it in all its forms, may we extend grace—to ourselves, to our mothers, and to those who walk this path in their own way.
Ps, I painted these two pieces of art work that were both very fitting in different ways.
The flowers I painted and named "Ten" in honour of my daughter Ginger who would've been ten years old by now, Ten flowers in her memory.
The other painting I named "Bloom" was a fascinating process that revealed multiple faces along the way as the art evolved.
For this painting I have decided to leave my own revelations private as I would love for this painting to talk to my audience in a way that it resonates for them. However I felt it reflected aspects of the struggles written in this blog.
With love,
Zara x
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